Enough is enough.

Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriends. Some of whom have been with me when life was a summer breeze, but also when the scene became hideously ugly. Remember the Marriott Marque, NYC on New Year's Eve 1997; you know who you are. These chicks are smart, independent, and attractive. Yet some remain single. For most, this is by choice. For a couple, not so much. One particular friend, for the sake of concealing her identity, shall furthermore be lovingly called "Dumbass. DA has a "friend" of the male persuasion. This guy is nice enough, likes Nascar, Bud Light and has a job. All the prereqs for single women in the South rapidly approaching 40.
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She updates me constantly with their "status". I receive multiple texts and voice mails at various times. This information rolls to me like the NASDAQ stock quotes at the bottom of CNN Headline News, whether I want it or not. Mostly they say things such as, "he hasn't called since Sunday"; "he was supposed to come over for dinner, but I haven't heard from him"; my favorite is "he said he really misses me and needs to come over to talk" received at 2:45am. Really DA?!? He needs to come over and "talk"?? Alrighty then. If that's what he "needs" to do, of course you should let him. Completely disregarding the fact that he just took a total skank out for dinner and drinks, but she had to be back home to sober up before going to her job at Fantastic Sam's on Saturday morning. It's not like I have never been in DA's situation, it's just that I haven't been in her situation since I've been old enough to know how pathetic it really is.
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Thankfully, my "don't say anything that would hurt someone's feelings" filter got clogged around May 2001. Because of this, I tell her what I think when asked. "But my friend Brandy said he likes me TOO much, and he's scared", she says...you mean the same Brandy that just got out of rehab and was ordered by the court to remain 100 yards away from her ex-husband at all times? Gotcha. Heeding her advice seems like a good plan.
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It is what is it, DA. He will keep coming back as long as you will let him. You are better than that...it's not you, it's him. I'll loan you my copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" after Jennifer Aniston gives it back.

eHarmony may not be a bad idea...just a thought.

~j

smack a crack ho...

the latest shot of liho...I just don't understand. I guess I need a prescription of aderall & lifetime carton of parliaments....I go to the gym everyday and sweat my proverbial balls off while still not losing a couple lbs. but this chick can look at a redbull and drop another 10 lbs. thanks lindsey for helping keep the dream alive. not to mention the fact that there are probably homeless kids that are interviewed on MSNBC that look better than this...
And just to make matters worse she has posed nude for some dude named Hedi Slimane - seriously? I won't know what to think when she makes her Drew Barrymore comeback in 2022.

~a

It's Just the Dog in Me

I never realized when I was growing up, that my parents were quite bizarre. Since I work in financials at the School of Medicine, I feel I can accurately diagnose them both as having Obessive Complusive Disorder. Our toilet seat was cleaner than the table top at most Mexican restaurants, and my Dad could fit the entire remaining contents of our Sunday afternoon KFC Meal Deal into an empty 2-liter Tab bottle and have room to spare. This is not normal. Of course, neither are my current living conditions.
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We decided to adopt a 4-month old puppy to befriend our aging Jack Russell. In theory, this sounded like a great idea. You know people like this. Loading up the pups in their Subaru Outback on Saturday mornings and taking them to the dog park while sipping on coffee and chatting it up with other dog lovers. Total bullshit. My dogs are having a pissing contest on the carpet in my downstairs living quarters. Towels are laying everywhere on top of Shot Spot soaked with urine. From an aerial view, my living room closely resembles Woodstock.
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Needless to say, I won't be inviting my parents over anytime soon. I can't confirm, but I'm fairly certain that my Mom already uses disposable toilet seat covers when visiting me. One look at my crib today, and she would have post-traumatic stress disorder for the remainder of her years. I haven't even mentioned the hair, nor the fact that I am so allergic to this dog that I have to take 2 Benadryl every four hours just to breathe. In addition, if Locks of Love would accept 2-inch dog hair, I could donate enough to have every chemotherapy patient on the East Coast fully covered.
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For me, this means more alcohol consumption and two cases of Swiffer refills from Costco per week.
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Bow wow wow yippee oh yippee aaa.
~j

Me, Myself and I

I have decided that no one really knows themselves. For example, I went to a Mardi Gras party on Saturday night. It began with me timidly sneaking into the party and nodding as if to say..."Hello, I'm J. I'm almost 40, a mom, and I attend church regularly. I'm only here because I'm friends with the host." It ended with me emptying the last drop of foam from the Yuengling keg into a crazy straw sippy cup while asking my lesbian friend how "they" have sex as I was line dancing and swinging a linen napkin around my head much like Petey Pablo. Who am I?!?

The shock factor. This is what I have decided is the culprit behind my irrational middle-aged behavior. I constantly dream of rolling up to my daughter's (private Christian) school in my black pimped out Escalade rollin' on spinner 22's, bumpin' Kayne West' "Love Lockdown" so loud that my Starbucks coffee is bouncing out of the cup with every beat. Then all the parents are looking around like "What The Hell?" as I get out in my wifebeater tank showing off my Calcutta tattoo and walk my daughter in to Spanish class. Unfortunately, I'm caught somewhere in the middle of "I would NEVER do that" and "Don't Look Ethel!!!!" if alcohol in mass quantities is involved in any way.

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Judge not, lest ye be judged...

~j

Just remember...

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattering...right?



Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix at Sunday's Oscars. Totally Hilarious.

I am however still pretty bitter about Mickey's loss to Sean Penn who used the night as his soapbox, when it should have been Rourke's glory night. He was truly robbed!

back to life, back to reality...

~a

I Kissed A Girl.

And just when I was at a loss for what to wear to my Mardi Gras party on Saturday night, Kate Perry shows me the way....BA BAAMMM!!! I plan to earn my beads this year. I hope I don't get arrested (again). Awww she's a Brick...House.....



Happy Friday from the tropical sands of W-S.
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~j

She's taking it home..I'm a fan...everytime I see her now I see when she's talking about the new judge since Gail had to leave and I wanna yell out "GAILLLL!" cracks me up everytime.

~a

Welcome to the Dawg Pound, Baby

First of all, let me just say that I'm all about somebody getting a shot at fame and fortune. For example, I love to bring down the house with Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive", or Tracy Chapman's "Fast Cars" at my local smoke-filled karaoke hole in front of an audience that looks only slightly better than the lobby at the DMV. After 5 or 13 Bud Lights, Whitney Houston doesn't have shit on me.

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Ryan missed a great opportunity to be a homosexual and I'm hoping that Ellen will eventually have him on her show and call him into the light. Randy is tolerable, but please - the Journey gig ended in the 80's. We know you played bass for Journey. We know that you think Steve Perry has the best voice of any singer, ever. Enough already. Simon is cool enough in my book, but I tend to get a tad offended that his nipples are always erect and showing through his size XS tees. Paula. Ironically, I too have "chronic pain" from all my years of "dancing" that is undiagnosable, yet instead of becoming hooked on Vicadin and Oxycotin, I went the more simple route of grocery isle booze. Cheaper and more easily accessible. Same outcome. This Kara girl, is just another crazy bitch thrown in the mix. All of the contestants have their own sad, pathetic stories of job loss, spousal abuse or having to live in a van. I'm like one pink slip away from 2 out of 3 of these scenarios, so don't look to me for a shoulder on which to cry.

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I have boycotted this show since the "incident" and my restraining order against Chris Daughtry. I have no intentions of turning back now.

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Rock on, bitches.

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~j

I really need an explanation please...

All this clevage is killing me from the pics from Fashion Week. Sorry girls, but you will not see the abster rocking this top...looks like a nip slip will occur any second! Let's put all our stock in Hollywood tap, we will be millionaires by spring 10.

And NOW, the most akward photo taken at any Fashion Week event....Anna W looks like she just got a whif of something JT let loose. He's totally caught in the headlights on that one. EKKK. but really it just cracks me up everytime I see her flarred nostrils...or is that just the botox? I can't deal.



~a

Be cool, my babies!!!

Words cannot express how excited I am to have the opportunity to see Conan more often now that he's taking over The Tonight Show, which airs at a more reasonable hour for me and the rest of the geriatric population. I love everything about this guy from his "string dance", to his hilarious Arnold Schwarzenegger "his Arnold always eats a sausage" and Donald Trump "You're Fired!" impressions. His awkward pauses when his monologue blows kill me. He's freaking hilarious and he's a smartass. Two very admirable qualities in a man.
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~j

Bitch, please.

Can someone tell me why Jen has this mofo in a headlock smooch? She's jumping on him like a spider monkey and he's got a tight-lipped look of terror. Really!?? I am so over their shit. She is acting like she's 16 and doesn't have a date to the Jr./Sr. prom. Maybe she should take heed to her new movie and recognize "he's just not that into you...".
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~j

my valentine's day for the record books...

So back in 1997 I had my first real boyfriend. He transferred to our school from the great state of New York, Long Island to be exact. He had moved down probably like the year before and dated a girlfriend of mine. She dated him all summer while she was in Europe traveling and hooking up with some guy from Kentucky. I knew she was doing this the whole summer and would see the future bf out and really felt bad for this kid. I knew he had sent her flowers when she got home and she never even called to tell him she was back in town. She was in love with Kentucky.
I was always the girl who was the boy's best friend. I hooked them up with my friends, got them together so they could make out at the party, while I sat back and waited to get home so I could burn my thoughts and sadness into my "journals". When would I find someone to love me?
That first Vday with the bf was going to be a memorable one, and I had no idea just how memorable. My bestest friend LJ and I had the brilliant plan to cook spaghetti dinner for our bfs. We also decided to bake a cake. and on top of the cake we decided to draw a huge pink heart in icing and line with red hots, etc. it was the cutest cake I had ever seen. 20 minutes later the cake had a huge split right down the middle of the heart.
can you say sign of shittiest valentine's day abby ever had to come?
Yes that's correct ladies. My bf never showed. He got a call from the ex-gf. See that day had snowed/sleeted in our city so we were out of school. It was a Friday and the ex-gf's dad had been in a head-on collision with a girl and her brother we had all grown up with. I swear, the writer's of Days couldn't have thought of something worse. The sister/brother died in the crash. Ex-gf's dad survived. My bf rushed to the hospital to be with the ex-gf and never called to let me know his change of plans. I called him at home and his mom said he was out - she had no clue who I was because we hadn't been formally introduced. I wasn't even sure if she knew he was suppose to come to have dinner with me. She probably thought I was some pathetic loser wanting her son. And that night I was. Laid on the couch and cried and "whoa is me" for hours. Never had a true Valentine and then this happens. I would never think the same of Valentine's day. Needless to say the ex-gf used him for comfort and then when she was fine she threw him out again. He was mine for the next 1.5 years.
During college I dont really remember having a real valentine. I was too busy going out and having fun with my girlfriends. Or laid up in my dorm room watching "sleepless in seattle". Now I have JA. And he's just what I've always wanted. We cook dinner in and he always sends me roses. He's a very traditional one and I truly love him for it.
So girls, just when you think it will never happen, don't hush that voice inside that says it will.

~a

Where's Joaquin?

Joaquin Phoenix, one of my all time favs was on Letterman last night...It's almost painful to watch. What is this guy on? I have only read that he's basically loosing his mind, but part of me feels he's just an insanely creative person and will change our lives forever.... one can dream............ugh sorry i just zoned out....



~a

Up In Smoke.

I mean seriously, Michael???? I love your torso. I love how you move as one with the water. You + Speedo=Hot Sex on a Platter. I have never really looked at your face, but I'm sure it's fine. So you are 23, potentially one of the richest athletes in the world with your endorsements varying from Wheaties to nose plugs...and there was a mole amongst your South Carolina party crew. Damn it all. Some little peroxide whore, with silicone melons and a double-layer of Mystic Tan. I want to kick her ass for you. Take her Capri Lights, her Budweiser Lime, her Cricket camera phone and the keys to her 1996 Suzuki Sidekick and request a meeting in the parking lot of that Bi-Lo right down the street. She is trying to ruin your life. I won't allow for it. I have your back. I mean after all, it's not like you were selling meth to 6th graders in the playground. You were just trying to relax...completely understandable. Good luck to you, my friend.

*insert Kid Rock Bawitdabaw playing here*

~j

the no title post...

It's been a pretty rough week...glad it's finally Friday, even if it does feel like Monday. I should have known it was going to be tough to make it through went I went to the cafeteria on Wednesday to get my half turkey wrap (gotta fit into the dress) & Ricky Martin was my sandwich maker. Although it wasn't like any Ricky Martin we know and bang to. This Ricky was more Nascar than guacamole. Not to mention my guilt for asking for carrots when this poor guy didn't have any teeth. Sk(th)anks to my corporate cafeteria manager for hiring such a superior employee. How smart are you to serve half wraps to keep our caloric intake low & have semi-homeless old toothless men to make them to gross us out into not even eating? Maybe the cafeteria supervisor should take after the model diet. I would buy the meal plan.

I need to follow the model diet, rather than eating a whole Red Baron thin & crispy pepperoni pizza. whole. i ate a whole freaking pizza for dinner the other night. to top things off I was watching the biggest loser. enough said. I am the worst person known to mankind. But JA's been working until 9 pm and I just don't have it in me to cook. and so I sat on my couch and scarfed down a whole pizza. but it was THIN...insert joke here.

Last night before JA and I fell asleep we watched some Teen Wolf. I have to say this is one of my alltime favs. For some reason I just love TW. This was a line I quoted last night...How crazy were their keg parties??? seriously we needed a Styles at our school in the worst way.



But the weekend should be more memorable...I'm going to meet my soul sister Amy & my flower girl (her daughter) Laila for lunch and a fun girls day. That's about it...

Save the Dates are being shipped.

TT's scurring and talking to herself. I'm so leaving at 4.

~a

it's official...

Ordered through www.vistaprint.com and I will let you know how they turn out. Found a free shipping coupon online and so hopefully they will be here in the next few weeks...

JA's grandfather created the artwork and I did the rest. I have to say I LOVE them.

~a

I could use another baby...

Just found this clip from SNL the other night. Pretty darn good Angelina..Abby Elliott might have something going here...



~a